Its been over a year since I’ve written and so much has changed.  I will write about this later.  But I did want to say that even though sometimes life seems impossible, going through a separation or divorce, there is light at the end of the tunnel…

I remember a long time ago, reading a book called a road less traveled.  The opening line went something like this “Life is hard. Once you accept this to be the truth, it is not as hard anymore”. This is paraphrasing, but the point is that in the acceptance and surrender, there is a peace and happiness.  I think so much of the time, we are striving and reaching for this elusive thing called happiness, that we miss the small moments that could actually bring us happiness.  My whole life I’ve believed that happiness is this thing you have everyday, if you can achieve it. Its this “high” feeling, that crazy happy feeling you only get once in a while.  In a way its like being a heroine addict. You get one hit of happiness, and you want it all the time, but I’ve realized thats not how it works. Yes, there are those crazy happy moments, like the birth of your children, or your wedding day, or just one of those rare days when everything just works perfectly. But those are rare. That’s why they feel that way. If they happened everyday, that wouldn’t feel that great! Real happiness, it finding a nice peace and serenity in the middle ground.

For myself, I think I need to stop trying so hard, stop wanting so much, being content with just they way things are today.  I want to be more secure with the idea that today is exactly as it should be, and not try to force it to be more then that. I recently heard someone say that you need to surrendor to God.  That doesn’t mean you stop trying and that God will now make your commands come true, but that things will happen the way God wants them to.  I have a hard time with that concept, but I am trying to learn to let go of some of the control.  Maybe when I do I will be truly happy…

I was brought up in the midwest.  We where sent to catillion, taught manners where important, shown the difference between right and wrong. We where taught that as a women we should put the feelings of others before our own. We should do for others even when they don’t do for us. We should give but never expect. We should never question authority, including your doctors, or your husband.

Much of that is great child rearing advice – I mean the manners and right and wrong stuff, but some how the rest of it seems to be what got me into this mess in my life in the first place. For 20 years now, I have put others before myself at every turn. When my husband is sick, he lies in bed whining about how sick he is. Everyone is expected to wait on him hand and foot.  If I am sick, I am still expected to do eveything that is usually expected of me, and re-schedule my sickness for a more convenient time. My husband has never brought me a meal to bed, or taken care of the kids, or even picked up the house when I’ve been sick, and I never asked. For some reason I thought I didn’t deserve that.  What does this have to do with boundaries you ask? Because I am learning that boundaries are only set and achieved when they are asked for. Today I told my husband that he has 4 days to get in a treatment/recovery plan, or he needed to move out by this weekend.  If he did not, I would file for divorce.  We will see what happens.  I do feel like I took a huge step in spelling out precisely what my boundaries are.  I am tired of his drunked fits, dealing with an illogical idiot, and the embarrassment to myself and my kids.

I wonder why my parents never taught me that I deserved to have people treat me well. Why did they not believe I deserved to set boundaries and have them respected.  My mother is not talking to me because she is angry that I did not want her intruding on my vacation with my kids (she decided she was going to come on a cruise that I book for myself and my kids, and that was not part of the plan). My mother plows over my boundaries like they are new fallen snow, and she is the plow truck. The worst part is until recently I never even realized she was doing that.  Then tonight I get a call from my father yelling at me for letting my daughter move back in. Really? Since when do my decisiions have any bearing on him? I’m 47 years old. I’m tired of my parents not believing in me and respecting me enough to beleive in my choices and decissions.  No wonder my husband doesn’t either.

I am learning this at al-anon. I hope I can continue to grow and set new boundaries, which I learn to enforce!

I decided that enough was enough and got help.  I started in therapy with my son 4 months ago.  His grades had dropped and I could feel his depression like a thick cloud.  I knew if I didn’t do something he could end up hurting himself.  We found a wonderful counselor. We started going every week.  After about 2 months, she suggested I get my own counselor, which I did.  In turn she suggested that I start attending al-anon meetings, which I have.

Its been 3 weeks, and things are better and things are worse. My husbands drinking is gotten more destructive and sever. He is sloppy drunk nearly every night. He is hiding his drinking, so he waits till we are in bed, of course, he is then roaring drunk in the middle of the night. He climbs into bed and passes out in my kids beds, who in turn wake up and come to my room, then eventually he wakes up and comes to bed, and wakes the kids up again. This has become a cycle at least 2 times a week. Last night he was nuts.  He was screaming and yelling about things that didn’t even make sense. Last night he woke the whole house up. My 12 year old was having a sleep over, so it was very embarrassing for myself and my son. I haven’t slept all week because of my husband. I am exhausted and at my wits end.

In al-anon, I am learning about setting bounderies.  I have had enough, so I told my husband get help or get out.  I am giving him 5 days to have a recovery plan in place or he is out.  Lets see what happens…

I love super bowl sunday.  Its one of my favorite days of the year.  I love visiting with friends, watching the game, socializing, and all the great bar food.  I have either hosted a party or attended on for the last 20 years, probably longer, but I can’t remember that far back.  The last 2 years have been agonizing.  For the last 2 years my next door neighbors have had a party in which the entire neighborhood is invited.  Everyone, that is except us.  Whats worse, is they are the parents of my sons best friend, who is at our house constantly.  I guess we are good enough to watch their child, but not attend a party.

For me, it breaks my heart to see my kids hurt.  They want to know why they can see and hear all of their friends but can’t attend.  It has made me feel incredibly hurt and isolated.  We use to be invited to the neighborhood functions, but we are no longer invited.  I think it is a 2 fold problem. None of the men in my neighborhood like my husband.  He is condescending and negative. They all play golf, he mocks them.  I’ve begged him to just try and play for the sake of our kids, but he says he doesn’t care if anyone likes him.  Of course he also does not care if it hurts me or our kids. I get hurting me, but I really don’t understand how when my kids are on our balcony staring at the kids at the party, how is heart could not be breaking.

His drinking is also a problem, because when he drinks he acts like a jerk, and that makes everyone like him even less.  Of course the last couple years have taken their toll on me, and I fear that my bad disposition/attitude has not helped.  I find that I have become negative like my husband.  I feel beaten down.  I have been told a million times what a worthless piece of crap I am, in a million different ways, how could I feel any differently about myself?  Not being a happy nice person does not make a good friend, so most of my firends have stepped out of my life, or I have let them go. This of course only leaves me more alone, which then makes me feels worse.  It is a vicious cycle!

I have made a vow, next year will be better.  Next year I will attend an amazing party filled with new friends, in my new life as a single women!